Podsnack – Why You Need to Stop Chasing Validation with Julie Voris

Welcome back to the Crank It Up podcast. So a little story for you today and maybe a little reminder as well. I was in DC for Mother’s Day weekend visiting our daughter. Our oldest daughter lives in the area, and I was taking a live Pilates class on one of the days that we were there.

And it was so interesting to me because I was in a live Pilates class. Now I haven’t been in the health and wellness space for a very long time. So the conversation I was overhearing at this class was not new to me.

But for whatever reason, the story just kind of stuck with me. So I’m putting my stuff away in a locker in the lobby and group fitness is predominantly female.

And the women that were in there kept talking about their spouses and or significant others, which all happened to be in this case, men.

The Desire for Partner Participation in Workouts

So they were talking about their boyfriends or their husbands, and they were talking about how they come to this workout and they love this particular class.

They love this particular workout, and they keep trying to get their husband or their boyfriend to come with them. And their husband or their boyfriend is like, oh, it’s probably not that hard. It’s not that hard of a workout.

And they keep trying to get their husband or their boyfriend to come to this particular group in this class with them. Now this is something that I’ve seen and heard for as long as I’ve been in the health and wellness space.

Whether it’s teaching a live class and, you know, a woman who takes my live classes all the time will say, I keep telling my husband, he’s gotta come take your class. It’s so hard. He doesn’t believe me, etcetera, etcetera.

Or I just want my husband to work out at home with me. It’s always a husband. K. So that’s what I wanna make sure that I’m saying clearly.

It’s always a husband that they’re talking about. And there’s all kinds of ways to be married and all kinds of relationships.

But in this case, this particular case, the story that I’m always hearing, it’s it was a husband that they’re talking about or a spouse, or I mean, or a significant other boyfriend. Right?

So I would teach class. I’d be like, I just want my husband to come with me, or I saw my husband to work out at home with me. And I would share that over and over again.

And on this particular day, when I was taking this live Pilates class and I was eavesdropping, shall we say?

Although they were just talking in the lobby, I think it was okay. They kept talking about, I just want my husband or my boyfriend to come take class and, you know, understand how hard it is.

Something about this, it clicked with me. And I realized they don’t really care if their boyfriend thinks the workout is hard, or their husband thinks the workout is hard, or their husband comes to class, or whatever it might be.

What they care about is validation and permission, if you will, or approval.

I think validation is the best word. Is that what they’re doing is right, is worthy, is worthwhile, is valid. They want their husbands to work out with them at home. They want their boyfriends to come to this class with them. They want their significant others to do this workout, this class with them because it’s a validation that what they’re doing is right or worthy or worthwhile or valid.

Importance of shared experiences versus seeking validation

And I see that knowing that there is such value in shared experiences. So please don’t get this twisted. This is not about not having shared experiences. Shared experiences, honestly, is one of my love languages. I love shared experiences.

And it’s okay to love something, to do something, to have goals and dreams that are your own without anyone else co-signing off on those goals and dreams.

The one that always was so interesting to me was the, I want my husband to work out with me at home. And I hear that a lot because, of course, I’m in the at home workout space.

And I just need to tell you that in all the years that I’ve been working out at home, not one time have my husband and I worked out together.

Not one time in all the years that I’ve been working out at home and all the years that my husband’s been working out at home.

We had never one time worked out together. And him not working out with me doesn’t mean my workout is less valid. I don’t need him to do my workout for the workout to be hard or valuable or get results. I don’t need him to sign off on my workout.

And I’m using fitness as an example because that’s where the conversation came in this live Pilates class. And I think the concept is just a broad general concept to be applied to anything.

Are you looking for validation, approval, or permission from someone in your life?

And I just wanna be really transparent about this. And really it’s a female looking for that validation from a male.

Now it could also be looking for validation from your parents or your parents in laws or other people in your family. Yes. A lot of the conversations I hear happen to be husband wife situations.

And my question to you is, are you not going after all in on something or not doing something or not trying something because you’re waiting for someone else to validate it?

You’re waiting for someone else to give you permission to do it, to say it’s okay to do it, to say, yes. That thing is valid and worthwhile and worthy. So, yes, it’s so and then and then it’s okay for you to go out to the thing?

I really heard that a lot as I was building my business because, again, being in the health and wellness space, these people would be working out with their spouses.

Pitfalls of waiting for external validation

And, it was almost this weird mindset that you had to work out with your spouse together to build your business. That never made sense to me.

My husband was a college football coach. He certainly did not leave me in the locker room giving a speech to his players to go out on the game.

Why do I need him to be validating or signing off on my goals and dreams? And I think that that’s a common trap, if you will, that women fall into. It’s kind of a form of people pleasing, isn’t it?

And this concept that we need someone else to say that our goals and dreams are worthy and worthwhile and valid in order for us to go after them. And I don’t think men need that. And that’s a generalization.

I understand that. So forgive the generalization. In my experience, that’s what I’ve seen, that men don’t really need that. My husband’s never once said, hey. Do you wanna work out together? You know?

And, yet I see women doing it all the time. I heard the conversation just this past weekend in a live class. So I wish my husband would come.

Wish and I, again, think, yes, there’s so much value in shared experiences, and it would be cool to maybe do that workout or whatever the experience might be.

And let’s discern the difference between wanting to have a shared experience and wanting someone else’s approval, wanting someone else to train off on your dream. It’s interesting because I’ve been building my business for a very long time.

The Power of Pursuing Your Passions Without Waiting for Approval

I can even go back to when I started teaching group fitness. And I’m gonna tell you, most of my family knew what the heck I was doing. If I would have waited for people outside of me to say, yeah, that that sounds like a cool idea. You should pursue that. I would, through this day, 2024, still be waiting.

Which means I would have missed out on my entire life waiting for someone else to say, yeah, you should go teach group exercise. That’s okay. We sign off on that. Or you should maybe build this business that could change your family’s life. Yep. Yep. Yep. We approve.

We sign off on that. If I would have waited for that approval, for that validation from people in my family, from anyone, frankly, other than me, if I would have waited for that, I’d still be waiting.

Encouragement for Self-Validation

And my question to you today is, are you waiting on someone else to give you approval or validation and permission to go after your goals and dreams. Those people out there, probably not paying your mortgage, probably not living your life, and they certainly didn’t get the memo on your goals and dreams.

You as an individual got the memo on your goals and dreams, on what you do with this one wild precious life that you have. You won’t need anyone else to give you permission.

What’s lovely to have is support, acknowledgments, inspiration, immunity, connection, all of that. And even if you don’t have any of them, your dream is still valid because I think it was given to you for a reason.

I think your dream, your goal, the vision for the life the life that you wanna live, even the the hobby that you wanna have, the activities that you wanna do, just this life that you wanna craft, it was given to you, just you, only you, no one can live your life in the way that you do. It was given to you.

You don’t need someone else to tell you it’s okay to take a fitness class, to go to a workout, to build a business, or to go after your goals and dreams.

It’s nice to have support and acknowledgment, and you can still go after those goals and dreams without it.

And at the same time, you can be intentionally seeking out communities where you’ll get that support and acknowledgment because don’t think for 1 minute they aren’t out there. They are. They are out there.

I’m co creating, curating communities like this all the time where women can come into them and bring their goals and dreams. I don’t care if I always use the example, like, you say you wanna buy and have a lavathon.

We’re gonna be like, alright, girl. Sister, what are we gonna do? How can we make this happen for you? Those kinds of communities exist in the world, meaning you’re just not in the one you need to be in.

And if you do want more support and acknowledgments from the people in your life, ask for it. Maybe you just need to have a conversation and ask for it.

And asking for support is very different from asking for permission. Your significant other is not your parent.

You are not 3 years old. You don’t need permission from someone. It’s nice to have support, especially from someone that you’ve chosen as your life partner. So ask for it.

I did have some real honest conversations with my husband and say, hey, I’m gonna need you to occasionally ask about x, y, z.

Just like I asked about practice, your team, whatever it might be. I needed to say that out loud. So ask for what you need, and then go about your business, creating the life on purpose with purpose that you wanna create, knowing that you can do it without their permission, without their approval, without their validation.

Don’t ask for it. You don’t need it. Go find the communities that will support you, and go crush this life. Go create this life. I hope this serves you in some way. Let me know if it does.