Hey there, friend. Welcome back to part two of our conversation with personal development expert mindset, strategist coach, inspirational speaker, podcast host, and my dear friend, Brad Bisjack. Last week we started our conversation talking about the importance of making yourself a priority and how that is how you get unstuck.
And this week we’re digging deeper into community and the power of the people who are in your life. This conversation is important. I think it will help you in all aspects of your life. We cannot overstate the importance of the people that you let into your head and into your heart and into your life.
Your community is so important. I think you’re going to love this conversation. I can’t wait for you to get started. So grab your notebook.
Take some notes. Smart people take notes. Let’s continue this conversation.
Community, Connection, and Growth: Finding Your Tribe for Personal Development
Can I actually give one more little tactical thing to people in this situation that’s even more simple than what I just explained? Yes. What I’m about to share sounds counterintuitive, but I promise it’s probably the most profound thing I’ll say in this episode.
The greatest way to make these uncomfortable emotions go away is to welcome them. And what do I mean by that example? Let’s say you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed. Let’s use the word anxious just because it’s common and everyone’s dealt with it at some point in their life. So let’s use the emotion of anxiety.
You could be worried about something coming up, right? And what do we typically do? We push against that anxiety and we make it wrong. We don’t accept the anxiety.
We make it wrong. And whatever you resist persists, right? So the anxiety gets worse and all of a sudden you start getting feelings about your feelings. You’re anxious that you’re anxious, right? That’s how it typically goes.
And it gets into this place where it’s 02:00 AM and you’re on your phone trying to navigate a challenge and you want your spouse to wake up to give you some comfort, but you don’t want to be perceived as weak. And it’s this panic attack moment.
And all that stuff happens simply because you haven’t accepted the emotion. Because if you were to just say, wow, I’m feeling anxious, that means I care about the future, all of a sudden, anxiety is not wrong.
And all of a sudden it dissipates and gets lighter because you’ve accepted it as totally fine. So there are uncomfortable emotions and comfortable emotions. There’s no positive or negative emotion. All emotions serve us.
All emotions help us move in the direction of our dreams. And so, a quick little tactical tool that you can use to navigate this. I think I’ve shared this with you, Julie, before. It’s an acronym called Ruler.
Ruler. The R stands for recognizing. What is this emotion that I’m feeling? The U stands for understanding it. Okay, is that actually overwhelm or am I actually sad? What am I actually feeling? And then the L is labeling it, which is essentially the same thing as the first one. You’re just using more information to define what the emotion is. That takes 12 seconds. The E is the most important part that most people skip, that’s to express it, and express it without consequence. If you need to scream, go in the car and scream.
If you need to have a good cry, go feel it. Go cry. If you need to go exercise and lift weights for an hour, go exercise and lift weights for an hour. But make sure the emotion gets out of you so it doesn’t trap inside of you and block yourself from feeling all the other beautiful things in your life. And then finally you get to the R, which is what most people try to skip to, which is to regulate it. Meaning don’t stay there. Choose something else to focus on.
But allowing these emotions to show up in your life and welcoming them, that is one of the greatest keys to these uncomfortable emotions disappearing faster.
It’s so interesting that you say that, because I’m a Scorpio. I’m type A. I don’t do vulnerability well. I have a massive amount of generational baggage around that. So we don’t talk about things like that too often. I have a deep well of emotions. I just might not be telling you. And that first weekend that Jesse left, I just remember looking at JV and like, I’m just really sad.
And he’s like, wait, we’ve been here before you. We’ve done it. McDonald’s drop off. I’m like, no, this is completely different. This is completely different. And I’m very sad. And he’s like, oh, okay. It was like this light bulb.
Like, oh. And I thought, well, I probably just don’t say it often enough. I feel it. I deal with it. I will go through it. I navigate it. I get to the other side of it. I will figure it all out.
Sometimes positively, sometimes negatively, sometimes quicker, sometimes not. Kind of all this stuff is going on in my head. Welcome to being in a Scorpio’s brain. And I think it was one of the first times I just looked at him. I’m like, no, I’m just really sad. I’m really sad.
He was like, oh, I’m like, I’m going to need to go to the parks, maybe a little more. We’re going to need to go to Magic Kingdom, and I’m going to get a Starbucks.
And I’m sad about it, and I might cry when we’re there. And he’s like, okay. He’s like writing on the calendar. Take Julie to like but you have to say it. You say it in a productive way, in a way that helps you not stay there, because that sadness is not going to help you to your point.
Move closer to your goals and dreams. But dang, just saying it out loud, I was like, wow. I actually just kind of feel better after I just said it out loud.
Owning the emotion is a beautiful thing. That’s incredible.
Yeah. So we did go to the park, just so you know.
So let’s talk a little bit about the power of community and talk about why the people that we surround ourselves with are so vital. I use a little tagline sometimes. It probably annoys some people, but I’ll say, I don’t want to be around ladies who lunch.
I really want to be around ladies who launch. I have this picture in my head of women who just go to, like, Friday martini lunches and whatever, and I’m like, no, I got things to do. I need to be around ladies who are launching goals and dreams and ideas and experiments and passions and pursuits and all the things, but you have to seek that out.
So let’s talk a little bit about community and the power of community. What have you experienced in your life around community?
Please hear me when I say this, friend, listening to this, who’s ever taking notes? This is so important. This is the greatest life hack in the world. This is more important than who you decide to marry.
The 3 Most Important Decisions You Ever Make In Your Life
- Choosing your emotional state with everything we just talked about.
- Your community, who you spend time with, because that influences who you marry.
- Who you marry.
Those three things, in my opinion, are the three most important decisions you can make in your entire life… emotional state, community, and marriage
It is hands down the most important thing for your success. Why? Because your life is a direct reflection of the expectations of the people you spend time with. Yes. Let me repeat that.
For those in the back, your life is a direct reflection of the expectations of the people you spend your time with. And so, yes, you’ll receive support in a community.
But have you ever noticed that when you have a lower quality peer group or lower quality community, you’ll go to them with a challenge? And what do they say? Oh, I’m so sorry.
Right. Nothing wrong with sympathy when it’s merited, right? But most people will pretend it’s a downpour when it’s just a drizzle. And so you go to lunch, right, and you get the sorrys. And when you complain about the problems or the challenges, you get sympathy, you get connection, and you get significance.
That changes everything. And I’ve just kind of seen these patterns in people over the last decade of being in this space of, I would say 98% of the world lives in a peer group where it’s just themselves or their kids or now just themselves and their spouse at the stage of life you were just mentioning, and that’s it.
So that’s where dreams go to die. And the reason I say that is because everything you do will be around gaining the support of the people around you. And the people that are around you likely don’t have as big of dreams as you, so you will downplay your dreams just to gain approval.
Or you’ve gotten into these little success partnerships or communities or masterminds, but it’s always about the problem which drags you back down, or you’ve gotten into those communities and those Masterminds or whatever it is, and you’re always the mentor, which typically just means you’re afraid to ask for help.
And that’s what typically happens that drags people down.
But if you really want to thrive, you need immersion in a group community or something where the standard is blast off. Where the standard is, let’s go. Where the standard is. You know what? I see your challenge. I honor your challenge. Let’s solve it together. Or you say a goal and they go, well, that’s cute. Do it in half the time and double it, right? That type of community.
And I know that the energy I’m bringing is more masculine in the energy I’m bringing to this. But it’s so incredibly important. Most people just look for support, connection, and sympathy.
I challenge you to get into a community where the standard is winning, where the standard is thriving, where the standard is emotional mastery. And when you’re there, you will succeed so much faster based on what your definition of success is. But you have to be honest with yourselves about the people that you’re spending your time with. And last thing I’ll say about this, unless you want to dive deeper…
You know, I’m here to dive deeper.
If you view your life like a multinational corporation, right? That’s how I like to view my life, like a multinational corporation. Well, there’s a board of directors that directly impacts the direction any multinational corporation will go. Right.
People that advise the CEO on the direction to take the company. Well, imagine your life that way and think about, okay, if my life was a multinational corporation. Who would I want at that board of directors table? What would be the qualities, characteristics of those people?
And you might be motivated, a leader, excited, compassionate, driven, hungry, whatever it is. So my challenge to you listening to this is to list out the five people you spend the most time with, with the exception of your kids.
List out the five people you spend the most time with and ask yourself to be honest, because self honesty is freedom.
Which of those people actually have those qualities? And you will see very quickly why your life is the way it is because you are probably earning the average of the five people you spend the time with.
Your emotions are probably the average of the five people you spend the most time with. It is so critical that you need to make sure and take a look at this from a very serious perspective. And if you’re saying I don’t know where to find these people, they’re everywhere.
You have to ask yourself where do these people hang out? Are they hanging out in groups, communities to better their life, to accelerate their life? Where are they spending their time? And then go immerse yourself in those communities and you will find that they’re all over the place.
You just haven’t been in those communities that they’re existing in.
Seek Out A Community That Aligns With Your Personal Goals and Dreams
Well, especially for women, because it’s easy to be friends with the parents of your kids’ friends.
So that became your peer group. And then as your kids get and especially if your kids are in any kind of organized sport or activity, I don’t care whether it’s we’re in football season. I don’t care if it’s football. I don’t care if it was a marching band. I don’t care if it was ballet. I don’t care if it was a show choir.
I’m naming the things my girls were all in. You spent so much time with some of those parents because your kids were at this high level, intense activity and so it’s almost like by default, those became your friends without you actually choosing if you wanted them to be your friends or not.
And then one day you wake up and you’re like wait, my kids are gone. Well, who are my friends? Well, friend, it’s time for you to go out and make some new friends. And I think what we also say to ourselves is, well, that’s hard.
I bet raising kids was harder.
I bet it was. Well, that’s hard. Yes, it might be. And your point is what? What is your point? Because the option is to not have any friends and complain about not having any friends or not being in a great community, not having the right peer group.
So we can either talk about how hard it is or we can actually start seeking it out. And to your point, if you actually open your eyes and start thinking about the people, maybe you follow on social media or the podcasts that you might listen to or the books that you might read or wherever you and start thinking about, where are they hanging out? Are they in masterminds?
I mean, it’s no different than that example you used to use. And I just actually had it happen to me this week with something my daughter and I were talking about.
She’s like, have you ever heard of this brand? Blah, blah, blah? I’m like, no, I’ve never heard of it. The next day, all I saw was that brand, like, in my social media at every place. I’m like, Why in the world?
Because if you just start seeking it out or looking for it, there it is. You have to be open to seek it out and to look for. Have you been part of masterminds that have changed your life or communities that have changed your life?
Literally, one conversation in a mastermind full of high performers has generated our company millions of dollars. Just one conversation. I’m not sure how to impress anyone. It just shows how fast things can change.
It’s the number one thing that I focus on in my personal growth every year. I’m focused on what masterminds I can enroll in to be around people where the standard is higher. And also, by the way, it doesn’t mean that these people need to be successful in the area you want to be successful in.
Be Intentional About Your Inner Circle and Who You Let In
It means that their values are aligned. Their values of growth, love, contribution, whatever it is, their values are aligned, and they are going to hold you to whatever your definition of success is.
Because I might be driven after a certain revenue goal. You might be driven after starting a business or maybe nothing to do with business. Maybe it’s around your marriage. That’s okay if the goals are different, as long as the values are similar.
And it also doesn’t mean that you need to eliminate people from your life that you’re friends with that don’t fit the board of directors. It’s just selectively choosing.
Who are you picking up the phone for? When Julie calls, I will answer 100% of the time, because Julie’s in that inner circle of people that I want to surround myself with on a constant basis.
And so my challenge to you is who in your group do you need to increase the amount of time you spend time with? Who do you need to limit? And in some rare cases, who do you need to delete? And that is very important in a lot of situations. But I’m always, always seeking out groups.
If you’re like most people that are having this conversation about, okay, this makes sense. I need a group. I need to find these people. Chances are that when you take a look at your board of directors. You might see that one or two, but not all five or less have the qualities of the people that you want to spend your time with.
That means your number one focus right now needs to be, where can I find a community like this? And how do I get in there right now?
Yeah. And really quick that those that might need to be deleted might be your.
Family, love your family, pick your peer group.
Yes. Said what I said.
Sometimes you, oh, we could do a whole other episode.
Oh, my God. It doesn’t make you mean. You’re not a mean person. You didn’t choose your family. And sometimes you and your family members may not be, to your point, value aligned.
And that’s the case. Then you need to put some boundaries around that and decrease the amount of time that you spend. Because if you don’t, think about how increased the amount of frustration and anxiety you have when you’re around them.
I know exactly who I’m thinking about when I’m talking about this. And my own family you’re thinking about too. You know what? If you’re listening to this, you know exactly what you’re thinking about your family too.
I know when I’m in there, who I see that’s in there. And I would love for you to talk just a little bit about the success accelerator, if you would.
Of course. I’m so honored and privileged to share that this program has impacted almost 50,000 lives all over the world. It’s a program that is set up to not only elevate your peer group, but help you to define what is your new version of success, what does that look like and what barriers are in the way, and how do we get rid of those barriers so that you feel like you are actually aligned with your goals.
Wait, before you go further, I think that’s so important for women to hear, especially if they’re transitioning into a new season. What is your new definition of success? What is new could be old.
You just haven’t played around with them for a while. You haven’t surfaced them for a while. But what is your new definition of success now in your life at this point in your life? Not what it used to be, not having to do with your children or your spouse or anything else.
What is your, as a human being, new definition of success in this season of life? I think that is so important for women to hear.
Yes. And I think why a lot of people feel so misaligned when they try to go after goals and dreams, they’re not even theirs. They’re goals and dreams that have been superimposed by either societal expectations or someone in their life that’s succeeding in a way that they don’t even want to succeed in.
We need to identify, what are you actually after? And most people say, Well, I don’t know. Yes, you do. It hasn’t been brought out yet. And I have a way of asking you the right questions to help you identify what that is.
And in that program, literally on the very first day, you’ll know exactly what you want out of life.
And so it’s totally free, by the way. And you’re going to enter into this community of incredible human beings that are all redefining their definition of success, what success means to them, and what you will find, like we talked about in the community section this episode a minute ago, you’ll find that the values are aligned with yours.
They’re all driven, hungry, but also compassionate, empathetic and loving. And the expectation is for you to win.
You’ll be held to a higher standard, which is really beautiful. And then what we’re going to go through over these five days is identifying any limiting beliefs and fears and doubts or patterns that are getting in the way of that new definition of success coming true.
And we’re going to rip them out forever so that you can truly rewire your mind for the success that you want.
You’re going to discover how these high performers achieve their goals so quickly, but without this tense stress and how to live a successful and fulfilling life.
Not just achievement, but achievement and fulfillment. It’s a really beautiful program, and it’s totally free. Totally free. It starts in just a couple of days. Highly recommend that you enroll in the program.
Julie has a link for you to enroll, https://julievoris.com/brad and it will be a game changer in your life. You’re going to have so much clarity on exactly what you want and exactly how to get it, no matter what season you’re in, no matter what transition you’ve recently faced.
And you will come out of those five days feeling fully, fully alive.
Well, I have two things to say.
Number one, there’s something really powerful about when you get in a group, and it doesn’t matter what your goal is that the group goes, let’s go. I used this example this morning on my Instagram stories. I’m like, if you’re in a group and you’re like, I want to start a llama farm, the group should go, let’s go, girl. How are we doing it?
All right, let’s go. And then the group should challenge and push back and provide you some guidance and say, okay, how are we doing it? Let’s pick up the pace here. Let’s not just cheer for the llama farm. Let’s actually make it happen.
But that’s the kind of group you want to be in. So when you say, that goal or that dream. If you’re not in a group of people that claps and goes, all right, girl, let’s go, then you’re not in the right group of people. So you got to get in a different group of people.
So that’s number one. And number two, the most dangerous question you will ever hear in your entire life. Favorite question. The most dangerous question you’ll ever hear, I’m telling you right now, is, but what if you had to know just that, just that quiet.
One, but what if you had to know just like that, just so quiet and calm, you wouldn’t think it would be as dangerous as it is. And then you want to take your pencil and just till you finally actually admit that you really do know, you do know it is in there. You just probably haven’t given yourself the permission to dredge it up.
And Brad will just continue to keep asking you, but what if you had to know? And as he said, I’ll get it out. Oh, my gosh, I don’t know. But what if you had to know?
That question I’ve asked Julie so many times in the last three years, I don’t even know. It’s got to be hundreds of times I’ve asked you that question. And every time, without fail, eventually we get to it.
Eventually we get to it. I mean, and that was why we could accelerate the goal of getting to Florida so much sooner. Know you could ask me those questions. And what if you had to know?
Well, I actually did kind of know. I knew that it was time. I just hadn’t had anyone ask me that before. And again, that’s the power of the community.
So, yeah, we’ll have a link for that and I just cannot stress enough how important this community is. I’ll be in there and Brad will be in there every day just pouring into you, and there’ll be lots of interviews and such conversations taking place and the breakthroughs that happen in this free group.
It’s so crazy because it’s the power of getting in community with other people who are on a path towards their goals and dreams, too, discovering maybe what those goals and dreams are and then putting in the work.
Shocking, it actually is going to take some work, and you’re going to get in a group that’s going to nurture that and applaud that as well, which could be very different than who’s in your daily life.
That’s the power of immersion, right? Like, if you want to learn a language, you could study on Duolingo for six months, or you could go to Italy and learn more in a week than you did in six months on duolingo.
The power of immersion is everything. And just remember that if the people around you are not championing your goals, that is a sign that you are around the wrong people, because successful people will always cheer on your goals.
The only people that tear down your goals are the people that don’t have theirs. Yeah, it’s true.
That’s true. That’s why we come back to, you know, exactly in your family who you need to delete because they’re probably not championing your goals. And that’s why you need to get into this community.
Get in the five day challenge. Join us.
Get into it. Brad bizjack. You’re awesome. He’s giving Taylor Swift heart hands. You’re awesome. Thanks for being a friend of the pot. Thanks for being a friend of mine. When are you coming to Disney again? Brad’s face when he saw the Millennium Falcon in Hollywood studios.
I was like a four year old.
Oh, my God. It was the best. It was the best.
It was incredible.
So you need to come back. You need to ride tron. You need to do all the things. So get yourself back down here to Florida.
Thank you, Brad. This jack. You’re the best.
Thank you, my friend. Thank you for having me.
That’s it for this episode. Thank you for making this podcast part of your life. It’s amazing to listen to a podcast. And listen, I so appreciate you listening to this one. What’s even more amazing is when you take action on what you heard. Use what you heard today to take action towards your goals.
It’s amazing to listen to a podcast. And listen. I so appreciate you listening to this one. What’s even more amazing is when you take action on what you heard. Use what you heard today to take action towards your goals.
Please tag me on Instagram @julievoris with your takeaways and what you’re doing. If you enjoy the podcast, and I hope that you do, please spread the word. Invite a friend and leave a review. The world needs more positive energy, and you can be a part of that.
Now go – Crank It Up!